simple life

Farmers who wait for perfect weather never plant.  If they watch every cloud, they never harvest. (Ecclesiastes 11:4)

each year, the farmers and farmer wannabes in my life fret about the weather. today there's too much rain, tomorrow not enough. elements beyond control threaten to ruin livelihoods at a moments notice. and yet, each year, regardless of the fears and anxieties of those planting the seeds, the crops grow. they grow and fruit and flourish, seemingly impossibly in the face of the weather patterns of the year. and without fail, there's harvest. 

life is the same - so much time is wasted by worry - and when you come through the stress it seems so easy, so obvious where your path has taken you. the last few months have been like those uncertain weather patterns for me and mine. it feels as though i have been operating crisis to crisis, each more serious and apparent than the last. but god is faithful. he has gotten me safely through to the other side of so many challenges, he will guide me in this next leg of my journey as well.

through the dark, uncertain times, this is what i need to remember, that regardless of the storms that i face or the drought that threatens to demolish the fruits of my labor, there will be harvest. i need to persevere and stay the course.  i will come through it. i will not be forgotten or abandoned.

<source>

love everlasting

This is my command—be strong and courageous!  Do not be afraid or discouraged.  For the LORD your God is with you wherever you go. (Joshua 1:9)

i am feeling a little shaky - my year long maternity leave is over as of 8:05 a.m. tomorrow morning. not that i am counting the seconds or anything. i am filled with a barrage of emotions - fear of failure, excitement of what's to come, sadness to leave my son with someone else. i'm sad and happy and missing him already.

tomorrow i am going to approach the day with one task, to be strong and courageous. to let the strength of the lord embrace me as i stumble down this new path of 'working mom'. the lord has good things in store for me, he's whispered it through the trees to me, he's reminded me of it daily. but even though i know this, i am feeling sad and shaken as i look out towards the future.

inevitably, starting will make me feel more at peace, but for tonight i will meditate on this. god is good. he loves me. he's rooting for me. the strings i feel tugging away as my son and i are separated are the same that he feels towards me. he holds me in his heart when he can't hold my hand, just as i do with my son.

<source>

team spirit

Don’t be afraid, for I am with you.  Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God.  I will strengthen you and help you.  I will hold you up with my victorious right hand. (Isaiah 41:10)

since i started this blog, we have gone through lots of changes. moving, work responsibilities, ending my maternity leave, and starting daycare, to name a few. with all that change has come a large amount of fear. fear of failure, the unknown, rejection. but through it all, i feel like the lord has been teaching me to trust. and in a few short months, after continuous reminders to myself, it's working. i'm more trusting and better at asking for help. not just with god, but in my close relationships too.

we don't have to do it all and we sure don't have to do it alone, we are built to live in community with others and help one another. this has been a hard lesson to learn. i like to do things independently and prove that i am enough. but the farther down this journey i get, the more i am realizing, i don't have to. i have god on my team.

<source>

blowups

My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry. (James 1:19)

i needed this advice yesterday. this past week, we moved to the community where my husband grew up. it's been a marathon, consisting of husband and i passing batons of boxes between us, culminating in the big moving day on saturday. we are both exhausted. it's easy to get frustrated with someone when you move. they aren't moving fast enough, doing it right, you name it. but i kept my frustrations in check, there was too much to do to pick a fight. and then yesterday happened. as the dust was settling from moving in, my mother-in-law arrived unannounced, which has been a concern of mine moving closer to his family.

i politely bided my time until she left, only to unleash my frustrations on my husband as soon as she was out the door.

that was not the right thing to do.

instead of being slow to anger, i lit like a fuse. today i am feeling awful about blowing up and went seeking some spiritual guidance. as i read this passage, i'm trying to see how i can use it with my short temper. how does someone who is quick to anger become slow to anger? doesn't that go against my disposition? as i think about this, i am wondering if it means that i need to be more effective managing my frustrations instead of letting them build up. keeping things cleaned up emotionally, so to speak.

no matter how i slice it, i know that it would serve me well to remember this advice and be quick to listen, slow to speak and even slower to anger.

how do you manage your anger?

<source>

saying yes

Give to those who ask, and don’t turn away from those who want to borrow. (Mat. 5:42)

the interesting thing about giving is that the more you do it, the easier it is. a few weeks ago, i posted about giving. since then, i have made the choice to say yes, rather than no. and it feels good. i feel fuller, more blessed, more vibrant.

i think that i was saying no out of fear, holding onto my pennies or time thinking that once they were gone, i could never recoup their value. but what i've learned these last few weeks is that the more that i give, the more that i get. blessings abound. when i stop and think about it, i don't know if it's because i'm giving and thus receiving or rather giving is changing my outlook. it's making me see things as blessings that i was missing before.

giving isn't always easy, but it's always good. this is a lesson that i want to remember. this is a lesson that i want to teach my son.

what lesson are you being taught?

<source>

cloudy with a chance of sunshine

Look at the lilies of the field and how they grow…Solomon in all his glory was not dressed as beautifully as they are. And if God cares so wonderfully for wildflowers that are here today and thrown into the fire tomorrow, he will certainly care for you. (Matthew 6:28-30)

it's official - i'm to be surplus from my job. i knew it was coming, but reading the official documentation makes it more real. i did what i usually do when my heart hurts - i went to my garden for a good cry.

as i sadly sat on my step, the sun shone on me, warming me. it felt like a hug. i thought about this verse as i looked around at the budding flowers. i heard the birds singing to me, a great chorus of optimism. the wind rustled the leaves and it sounded like a message - i have good things in store for you.

sometimes, we need to let out our sadness, and allow god to comfort us. we don't always have to be happy, or fight away our tears.

so if you are blue today, go sit in the sunshine and feel his warmth radiating, telling you it's all going to turn out ok.

<source>

fill'er up

Those who love money will never have enough. (Ecc.5:10)

pinterest is a pastime of mine. i love to scroll through the endless aisles of pretty things, adding to my list of wants. hoarding virtual versions of things that i can't afford. since i have been on pinterest, i have felt my wants grow. my feelings of greed being fed. and i'm not the only one, market research shows that pinterest generates $0.18 a click, the highest on any social media platform.

now that's not to say that i think that pinterest is bad, but when i read this verse it struck me that perhaps i'm not interacting with it in a healthy manner. feeding my wants in such a self-indulgent way. using it to hoard the growing list of shiny things that i wish to have. i need to use it as place of inspiration, rather than somewhere to stockpile my wants.

in today's society, it's so easy to get wrapped up in the trappings of life. to get sidelined by things and to fill up life with stuff rather than relationships. when i read this verse, my first reaction is that i don't love money. but i do love what money brings and i have feelings of insatiability. god is calling me to work on this. to let go of my materialism and live in the peace and contentment of my relationship with him and those around me.

do i still have my pinterest account? yes. but i am beginning to be more mindful of what i am doing, rather than blindly feeding my greed.

what things are you filling your life up with?

<source>

god dust

Nothing is impossible with God. (Luke 1:37)

we get our new house in a week and our current home has not sold. anxiety is gripping my heart when i let myself think about these facts. but there's another fact that i need to keep in mind: nothing is impossible with god.

god doesn't say he will fix it, or get our house to sell, but he does say that nothing is hopeless with him on your side. so even if the house doesn't sell in time, or our budget is stretched to its breaking point, we will be provided for.

i usually look at this verse and think god will sprinkle 'god dust' and make magic. but today, as i meditate on this, i am seeing it differently. instead of making things into what i see as ideal, god is promising to make what seems unworkable into something that works. he's given us the tools to scale this mountain, and will be there with us every step of the way. he makes it possible for me to do what i thought was impossible.

what are you seeing as an impossibility?

<source>

knotted paths

Trust in the LORD with all your heart, And do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He will make your paths straight. (Proverbs 3:5-6)

tomorrow starts my 'official' transition back to work. i am so anxious about it. my nervousness is tangled in a knot, tying together our move, our house not selling, my son going to daycare, the possibility of being transfered out of the job i've been aspiring to.

somedays i feel ready for what is coming and others i don't. tonight is one of those nights where the anxiousness and doubt win over the confidence and trust.

i love the idea of god making my paths straight, of untangling the knots, bit by bit and giving me the strength to take on the challenges that are waiting for me. i know that god's not going to fix everything, but he will be there for me, love me and support me when i need it. he's here to help me find my way.

and no matter how thick my ball of knots is, he'll be there to help me unravel the kinks as they come, one by one.

<source>

focus in

Be still, and know that I am God. (Psalm 46:10)

life is busy. there's always another call to make, email to write, job to do. even as i am writing this, my to do list is scrolling through my head. i have a hard time unplugging. it's so easy to be distracted from our important relationships.

we need to take time and be still with those we love. this is is a challenge for me. to let the dishes sit for a while and play with my son or get offline and spend time with my husband. it seems that in my life, the people i care about the most get the least amount of my attention. but in the quiet, in the slowness, that's where our roots are formed and our relationships flourish.

the same goes for our relationship with god. he works in the quiet, away from the busy. and just like my other relationships i find that i get sidetracked and distracted from just waiting on him.

i need to take the time to focus on these relationships and grow them with purpose and love. take the time to really listen, to slow down and savour our moments together, to know that we are in this together.

how do you 'do' stillness? what is taking your attention?

<source>

i doubt it

For sure, I tell you, a person may say to this mountain, ‘Move from here into the sea.’ And if he does not doubt, but believes that what he says will be done, it will happen. (Mark 11:23)

doubt and i are old friends. i doubt myself, i doubt others, i doubt god. and yet each time i doubt it holds me back.

doubting myself causes me to stop short of my goals. it makes me feel that the things i am doing, choices i am making, words i am writing aren't good enough. it turns me into a paler form of me. if i doubt others, it shakes our relationship. it makes me act differently toward them, skeptical, hesitant. it breeds distrust. it slowly seeps into the foundation of the you and me. you see, i realized that doubt is reactionary, that it's a catalyst. it changes my actions, which changes the outcome. it alters me into someone that i don't want to be. someone who gives up.

doubting god is the same, it causes me accept failure and then put the blame on god. it allows me to quit, when god is asking me to trust him and keep going. god is telling me that if i rested in his promises, he would help me move mountains. he will get me through the tough stuff i am facing, he won't forsake me.  he will give me the strength and wisdom i need as i transition back to work, sell my home, face a job change. he will take care of me. he will help me realize my potential. all he's asking for in return is a little trust, and hard work.

what are you doubting? how do those doubts effect you?

<source>

peace and blessings

May the Lord bless you
      and protect you.
 May the Lord smile on you
      and be gracious to you.
 May the Lord show you his favor
      and give you his peace. (Numbers 6:24-26)

this blessing makes me feel safe. like i'm tucked in a warm spot on a blustery night. at first, when i read this i couldn't put my finger on it. but then i realized that this is the same blessing that my grandparents have given me since i was a child, but it's in english.

for this friday, i wanted to leave you with a thought about legacy. what do you want your legacy to be? i've been ruminating on this after yesterday's post. i want to leave a legacy of love and grace in my wake, to live out this blessing in my life. to bestow blessings, protection, kindness and peace to those that i come into contact with.

my grandfather left a legacy of passion, one that i am proud to be apart of. and the blessings of his life continue in our family. the lessons he taught us and character that he helped develop are part of the fibre of our family tapestry. he died before my son was born and although these two pivotal men of my life will not meet, his blessing and legacy has been bestowed upon my son. that's the thing about legacy, it lingers after we leave. what will yours say?

<source>

give me more

Give, and you will receive. Your gift will return to you in full—pressed down, shaken together to make room for more, running over, and poured into your lap. The amount you give will determine the amount you get back. (Luke 6:38)

giving is one of those things that i struggle with. the whole act is yet another lesson in trust. god doesn't say when we'll receive back our gifts, or from whom, but he is telling us to give freely, and trust that he will honour our generosity, that our generosity won't be a cause of ruin.

how does this work in our lives? how should i negotiate the requests for donations at the grocery store, or that come in the mail? is it sinful to want to hold onto my hard earned money? these are questions that i avoid asking, in fear of not liking the answer. but now, i've gone and asked them anyway.

i hide behind the thin veil of we can't afford it  or i don't have time when god's always provided for me. i have been blessed, and in turn should bless others. not just monetarily, but also with my time, words and attitude. lord, help me to be a gracious giver, to give without expectation and to teach my son the value of helping others.

and so the sea of change sweeps over me. today i dropped my change into the charity bin at the grocery store, gave away a prized bib to another mom, offered a loaf of bread to a friend. i said yes every time someone asked. small steps, but it all felt significant. what i wasn't expecting was the lightness and peace that i got in return. grace begets grace. love begets love. that is the story i want my life to tell.

<source>

bread day

Do not worry. Learn to pray about everything. Give thanks to God as you ask Him for what you need. (Philippians 4:6)

i thought of this verse today as i was making bread, kneading the ingredients that come together to create something nourishing. you see, god's been working on me. he's been kneading me like a ball of dough, adding a pinch of this and a peck of that to create something new from something that was already there. he's been teaching me and testing me, asking me if i really trust him. i'm not always proud of the answer.

over the past few weeks, i keep hearing this message: don't worry, pray. everywhere i turn, there's a reminder. i'm slowly making headway, tearing down my fears and insecurities, giving over the reigns to all the things that seem to be out of control in my life. my job, raising a son, selling our house. but god is faithful, he plants the seed, tends the garden and waits.

it's hard. i like to be in control. worry takes over my heart and paralyzes me, if i let it. but the lessons have been working, i've been learning to pray when i worry. it's not always instantaneous, but the more i pray, and talk it out with god, the less my anxiety holds me captive. i can breathe again. i can see the sun peeking out of the clouds. life is good.

<source>

god, swath cutter extraordinaire

So be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid and do not panic before them. For the LORD your God will personally go ahead of you. He will neither fail you nor abandon you. (Deuteronomy 31:6)

its easier to be strong when you aren't alone. it's usually in the moments of quiet, when i find myself with my thoughts as companions, that i have the hardest time seeing the bright spots. when i surround myself with those who love me, i feel stronger, braver.

i love the image this verse makes, god with a machete, cutting a swath in the jungle, going before me to ensure that there aren't any tigers lurking around. it's something that i am going to keep in my mind when i am facing an especially difficult patch of wilderness. god's cutting a swath, he'll make sure i make it through the spooky bits safely.

<source>

helping hands

A bowl of soup with someone you love is better than steak with someone you hate. (Proverbs 15:17)

there's nothing quite like the restorative powers of spending time with someone you love. today, my mom came over and we had some 'girl' time, which was so nice. taking time to enjoying being together and to talk about the things that are weighing on us. sharing our burdens and tossing them into the proverbial abyss.

there is an underlying cultural standard of perfection that reaches its slippery claws into our lives. i feel that i need to do it all, right, by myself, the first time. but that's not that case. life is a process, it's the ebb and flow of light and dark, of plenty and want. you can't do it alone, and that's not what god wants. he wants us to lean on each other, and lean on him.

this is something that i struggle with. i want to do it alone, but when i try, the mountains seem taller, the winds harsher, the climb steeper. i need to listen to the lord and allow him and those that love me to help me shlep up the mountain. for when i do, i can reach the summit and conquer life's trials.

<source>

planned out

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.  (Jeremiah 29:11)

at this point in the easter season, it's a waiting game. waiting to see what's next in the grand scheme. like i said yesterday, if i were there, back in the day, i would be having some serious doubts. i would be feeling like all the plans that christ had made would never come to fruition. i would like to think that i would stay the course but i know myself and i would be having a serious faith crisis.

i think that lots of times when we are in the middle of god's plan, it feels like our plans are falling apart. 

when i was just entering into my twenties, i fell in love. love-song love. we began to make plans. i put all my hopes and dreams into those plans and it made my heart light and happy to think of our future. but those plans never materialized, and when it all fell to pieces, so did big parts of me. it was incredibly difficult to face the realization that these plans that i had made weren't the ones that god had in store. i was heartbroken and found it difficult to focus on the truth that god had something else waiting. something lovelier than i was planning. time marches on and here i sit on the other side of that part of the plan and i am thankful that his plans gave me a future and a hope. i'm thankful that he helped me pick myself up, dust myself off and focus on his plan for me.

i'm in the middle of a plan-shift right now, at the fork in the road where my plan and god's plan veer away from one another. it's painful and frustrating, but i need to re-adjust my focus, and remind myself that what awaits is better than what i could think up on my own.

<source>

a promise is a promise

Yes, I am confirming my covenant with you. Never again will a flood destroy the earth. (Gen.9:11)

good friday is a day all about promise. it's looking the worst case scenario in the eye and knowing that there has been a promise made. it's about faith and love and hope in the midst of struggle and violence.

good friday makes me think of the people in christ's day that bought into his story; his followers, disciples, his family. i think if i was one of those people and saw him being brutalized i would feel like the promises that were made were for naught. but the great thing about this story is that just when you think that you are at the end, there's another chapter. there's hope.

god has promised me that he will have my back. now the ball's in my court and i need to trust him.

the thing about trust, as a mere mortal, is that our experiences with it leave a little something to be desired, as we learn about trust with other flawed people. god's different, but sometimes it's hard to wrap my head around the notion that he's not going to exploit me or disappoint me, in fact, he's got something great in store for me, i just can't see what it is yet.

when i am feeling a little lacking in the trust department, i start to remind myself of all the promises that god has kept to me. i think of my safety in precarious situations and the love that fills my home from my husband and son. i think of things that i have experienced that were big spiritual awakenings, and how those things almost never happened in a church. i think of the beauty and intricacies of life that hold us all together. and then i relax, every so slightly. god's got my back.

<source>

race day

And let us run with endurance the race that God has set before us. We do this by keeping our eyes on Jesus, on whom our faith depends from start to finish. (Hebrews 12:1-2)

i've never been a good runner. i've tried, i've taken classes, run races and yes, even taught a running class. but my body isn't wired for that, it takes serious effort to get me to lace up my shoes and hit the pavement.

i see faith a bit like running, it takes huge effort, and sometimes you are going to want to quit. it takes discipline to force body and mind to keep putting one foot in front of another, to keep focusing on what is good and right and pure. sometimes all i want to do is stop and sit on a bench - but that doesn't assist in reaching my goals. i like this verse because god is saying, hey, faith isn't easy, it's a marathon, but don't get distracted and forget the finish line.

as much as i struggle at running, there is always that moment when your legs kick in and your body feels like a well oiled machine. if every time i went for a run this happened immediately, i would run everyday. but the truth of the matter is that it takes time for that to happen. the body needs to be trained and warmed up for that wonderful sensation of effortlessness. faith is the same. training our minds and hearts to focus on the lord isn't our (my) default mode. it takes training and practice. but once we hit our stride, it is so worth it.

<source>

life lessons

Remember how the LORD your God led you through the wilderness for these forty years, humbling you and testing you to prove your character, and to find out whether or not you would obey his commands.  Yes, he humbled you by letting you go hungry and then feeding you with manna, a food previously unknown to you and your ancestors. He did it to teach you that people do not live by bread alone; rather, we live by every word that comes from the mouth of the LORD.  For all these forty years your clothes didn't wear out, and your feet didn't blister or swell.  Think about it: Just as a parent disciplines a child, the LORD your God disciplines you for your own good. (Deuteronomy 8:2-5)

life lessons are hard. when god teaches us something, he doesn't use the modern pedagogy that is prevalent in our schools. god isn't the kind of teacher that defers consequences and beats around the bush. he doesn't spare the rod. when god teaches us something, he makes it memorable, and usually not in the 'oh that was so lovely' way.

what is god trying to teach you? i know that there is a lesson being administered from god to me currently, but i am not sure what the take home message is just yet. i know that it has something to do with trust, control and patience... and that he's taught me this lesson before.

it's hard to keep our heads clear of negativity during trials and not get bogged down with feeling sorry for ourselves. we need to be looking ahead to the value of what is being taught. i know that if i was wandering around the desert for forty years, i would have a hard time seeing the glass half full. as hard as it might be, when there is an obstacle or challenge in our paths, rather than bemoaning to god 'why me', ask 'what for'.

over time, if we allow it, we are moulded and shaped into the people that we are called to be. the growth process isn't pretty, in fact it's usually downright messy. but one day, you wake up and you're through it. no matter if it's 40 hours, weeks or years. trust. he knows what he's doing.

<source>

first world problems

 And let the peace that comes from Christ rule in your hearts. For as members of one body you are called to live in peace. And always be thankful. (Colossians 3:15)

i need a little peace in my heart. i just got off the phone with my mobile carrier and i am cranked right up. sometimes it seems to me that the marketing scheme of these companies is to confuse you and make you feel powerless. after 3 bouts of poor service on the phone, which includes getting hung up on, i was put needlessly on hold until i gave up. i will take my business else where.

how on earth does this apply to the above verse? i need to let christ's peace rule in my heart, treating others with love and compassion, regardless of the treatment that i receive. i don't think this means i should be walked on, but i also need to stay calm and carry on when there is a frustration in my path. instead of calling back (yet again) to give the manager (if he does exist) a piece of my mind, i will simply not allow this company access to any more of my money. i said what i intended to say, and if they choose not to listen to their customers, that's not my concern. my concern lies with how i react in situations and if i am showing others the love that christ has shown me.

admittedly, i may have raised my voice with the lady on the phone (hey, she started it) but this isn't what i am called to do. as i write this and contemplate what it means to let the peace of christ be with me, i can feel my blood pressure drop.

that last part of the verse gets me. and always be thankful. always. even with poor customer service. i need to take a lesson from this meme. i laughed when i saw it, but it's true, the things we see as problems are often things that others would celebrate. i want to celebrate and be thankful rather than be upset about these things. i am thankful that i live in canada, with access to non-essentials like a cell phone. i am thankful that i live in a beautiful home, and that we were able to afford to purchase a new one. i am thankful that i have a great job that gives me time to be at home with my family and guarantees that i will have work when i need it. i am thankful.

<source>

casting my cares

Can all your worries add a single moment to your life? (Matthew 6:27)

there's been lots of worry happening in this old head of mine lately. the wheels keep spinning and spinning and before you know it i'm down in the depths of my negative vortex. what if it doesn't work out. what if we can't afford to live. what if something bad happens.

when my anxiety reaches a fever pitch, i usually try and do something constructive, which has been gardening thanks to the lovely weather lately. the last time i was digging in the dirt, taking some agression out on some poor, unsuspecting weeds, a song from my childhood popped into my head...
i cast all my cares upon you, i lay all of my burdens down at your feet....

it is difficult to let the lord shoulder your burdens, but does want us to trust him and hand them over. it feels like i can gain some control over the events of life when i worry, but that's simply not the case. i've haven't been good at letting go of control, but when i get there and finally lay those cares at his feet, he has never failed to reward my trust in him. giving it to god can only lessen my stress, increase my peace and make the next few months happy ones, rather than anxiety-filled.

are you a worrier? what things do you have a hard time letting god shoulder?

<source>

stormy seas

I know the Lord is always with me, I will not be shaken, for he is right beside me. (Psalm 16:8)

 i will not be shaken. easier said than done. the last few weeks have been incredibly stressful in our home. we have been trying to no avail to sell our home, have bought another and are facing serious work stressors (such as strike, pay freeze, transfers to name a few).

my internal waters feel like a stormy sea, but god is always with me. how do i stay unshaken? when does the peace kick in?

patience has never been a strong suit of mine and the lord is working hard on me, giving me the opportunity to gain experience and become more patient. this has been a long standing workout that god gives me. in university it was learning the patience required to find a mate, when it seemed that everyone around me was matched up. god was faithful, he rewarded my patience with a lovely man, who loves and cares for me and we have built a home together. i need to remember that when i feel shaken and frustrated.

the lord is with me. i need not fear.

(source)

always there

Teach these new disciples to obey all the commands I have given you. And be sure of this: I am with you always, even to the end of the age. (Matthew 28:20)

the last piece of that gets to me. he is with me always. until forever. i have been feeling lonely lately and this is a great verse to remind me of god's faithfulness. he's always here, always has been here. even when i don't realize it.

when i get lonely, i need to take a moment to thank the lord for being my constant companion and for never leaving my side.

jump in

i have been thinking for a while about god and how to engage further with him. but that's the issue. i was just thinking about it, rather than doing anything.
on a whim (again) i thought, what if i started a prayer blog. kind of like a journal-meets-devotional to explore my faith.
and here i am.
this blog is here for me. and god. you are welcome to read and comment and engage with me as i go along.

to start things off, i joined gotandem to give me a starting point for my posts every day.

i'm excited and nervous to be doing this, but know that right now i need to take a little leap of faith.